Rowdy Coyote Bloopers Reel

Below are the bloopers mentioned at the end of the 4th book in my Jackrabbit Junction series (THE ROWDY COYOTE RUMBLE). Enjoy!  ♥ Ann

 

 

Chapter Eleven (Midway through Scene 1)

LOCATION: The Shaft’s back patio

Grady’s lips twitched. “You two are already on a roll tonight, I see.” He held an envelope out to Ronnie. “This is for you.”

She reached for it, but he pulled it back out of reach. “But first you need to explain why my Aunt Millie is having me play delivery boy.”

“That’s from your Aunt Millie?” Ronnie stared at the envelope as if weighing the chances of it biting her fingers if she reached for it again.

“She sealed it shut and made me cross my heart that I wouldn’t open it before I gave it to you.”

Ronnie laughed.

Grady didn’t. “I’m serious. Make sure you tell her it was sealed when I handed it over so that she doesn’t have Greta put some old German gypsy curse on me again.”

“Again?” Claire asked.

He shook his head at her. “You don’t want to know. Just trust me when I tell you not to cross that crazy Hutzel.” He turned back to Ronnie, holding up the envelope between them. “Why is Aunt Millie sending you letters now?”

Ronnie’s gaze met Claire’s for several beats, making Claire wonder if Ronnie had been blabbing her mouth about one of their so-called secrets to a particular sheriff’s aunt, damn it.

“Well,” Ronnie licked her lips. Claire could practically see the gears turning behind her sister’s eyes. “Not that it’s any of your business, Sheriff, but since I don’t have an email address or cellphone, it’s one of the ways we communicate. I’m old fashioned that way.”

The lines fanning from the corners of his eyes said plenty regarding his feelings about the level of bullshit in Ronnie’s reply, but he handed her the envelope anyway.

Ronnie quickly folded it and stuffed it in her back pocket.

“Aren’t you going to open it?” he asked.

“I’ll save it for later.”

“Why?”

Her sister’s gaze darted to Claire’s, which unfortunately made Grady’s frown include her in its scope. “Because I want to focus on the task at hand,” Ronnie told him.

“Which is what?”

“Getting you to kiss me.”

Claire glanced away, grinning. Smart girl, distracting the Sheriff with her body yet again.

“In front of your sister?”

“Claire doesn’t care.”

“She’s right. I don’t care.” Out of the corner of her eye, Claire saw Ronnie catch his hand and pull him toward her.

“She knows what’s going on,” Ronnie added.

“She does?”

“I do,” Claire confirmed, focusing on Mac to give them a little privacy. He was staring out at the desert again, a frown lining his brow. She knew very well what was going on with Ronnie and Grady, but she worried her thumb over the lip of her beer bottle and wondered what was going on with Mac and that promotion.

“But Mom doesn’t know.” Ronnie said. “So unless you want her to find out, you’d better hurry up and kiss me. She stumbled off to the ladies room when you walked up.”

“But what about—” Grady started.

“Oh, for crissake!” Claire growled, glaring over at them. “Would you two hurry up and kiss so that I can ask him about Dory?”

They obliged a little too noisily. Claire made a face and went to get another beer while they had at it. A few lusty sighs from Ronnie later, Claire had stood all that she could of their public display of affection. She cleared her throat.

Ronnie sank her fingers into Grady’s hair.

Claire cleared her throat again, louder and longer this time.

A groan came from Grady. His fingers slid down Ronnie’s hips, palming her backside.

“Hello!” Claire said, wrinkling her nose as Grady squeezed her sister’s butt.

Ronnie pressed against his length, one of her legs wrapping around his thigh.

“Oh, jeez!” Claire turned. “Ann, you’re going to have to get the hose again.”

 

I rolled my eyes from where I sat at one of the patio tables, nursing a margarita while typing away on my keyboard. Damn it. Grady and Veronica were always steaming up the book pages when I was around. This wasn’t the first time I’d had to step in and break them up.

I joined Claire, frowning at the two love birds. “They really need to get a room.”

“Tell me about it. It’s even worse when you’re not around.” She glanced toward Butch, who was showing Jess how to flip burgers on the grill. “We need to do something before Jess notices and learns a few new tricks to try with her boyfriend. Ruby will have my hide for expanding her Sex Ed.”

“You’re right. Help me out.” I grabbed Ronnie at the waist. “Veronica,” I said, tugging Ronnie backward while Claire untangled her sister from Grady’s arms.

“Damn it, you two,” Ronnie said, pulling free.

“You were supposed to just kiss Grady,” Claire returned.

Ronnie straightened her shirt. “We were wrapping it up.”

“Looked more like you were wrapping him up to me,” Claire said with a smirk, “with your legs.”

I chuckled. “Good one.”

“Oh, cram it, both of you.” She hit us in turn with a withering squint.

I moved closer to the Sheriff, lowering my voice. “What the hell, Grady? You’re supposed to be a pillar, all steely control and banked heat.”

His focus was still locked on Ronnie. “I tried, damn it, but look at her.”

I did, taking in her flushed cheeks and swollen lips, her jeans and black sweater. She’d dressed more modestly than usual this evening, no cleavage visible. “What about her?”

Rubbing the back of his neck, he grimaced. “She knocks the wind out of me.”

“I have a feeling you two are just getting rolling, so you better learn how to keep breathing when she’s near.”

“Easier said than done.”

“You think you can get through this scene without losing control again?”

He nodded. “But I’m going to need some time off screen with her when we’re done here.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” I turned back to Ronnie and Claire. “Okay, let’s start again with ‘Oh, for crissake!’”

 

“Oh, for crissake!” Claire growled, glaring over at them. “Would you two hurry up and kiss so that I can ask him about Dory?”

They obliged a little too noisily. Claire made a face and went to get another beer while they had at it. A few lusty sighs from Ronnie later, Claire had stood all that she could of their public display of affection. She cleared her throat.

When that didn’t separate them from their lip-lock, she poked Ronnie in the ribs. Twice. “Jeez, break it up already. This isn’t a breath freshener commercial.”

“Ouch. Damn it, Claire.” She backed out of Grady’s arms and tried to knuckle punch her again, but Claire dodged and weaved away.

Grady shook his head as if to clear away the spider webs Ronnie apparently had woven during their reenactment of a nickel peep show.

Claire gave him a moment to collect himself before asking, “Do you know Dory Hamilton? He works for Tucson Electric Power.”

The Sheriff dragged his gaze from Ronnie, who was busy dabbing her lips with some gloss she’d borrowed from Jess. “Sure. Why?” …

 

 

Chapter Twelve

LOCATION: In front of Ruby’s General Store

The quiet, steady rumble of Mabel’s engine calmed the chaos that had been whirring in Claire’s head all night at The Shaft. The rhythmic thump-thump of the tar strips lining the road weathered away the tension in her shoulders.

“Where are you sleeping tonight?” Mac asked as he drove over the bridge that led into the R.V. park.

The General Store’s porch light hailed, a beacon in a starlit desert ocean of greasewood and prickly pear. The crunch of gravel under Mabel’s tires stilled. He killed the engine. Silence filled the car, interrupted only by their breathing and the soft whispers of clothes on leather.

She stared across the front bench seat at Mac. His face was streaked with shadows, cloaking his eyes. After the noise and disruptions she had suffered through on The Shaft’s patio this evening, she’d sooner spend the night sharing a bed with her soused mother and her Don Juan loverboy than deal with the worrisome weight of this damned promotion of his.

But she’d missed Mac last night … and every night over the last week when he’d been in Tucson and she’d been here. Maybe she could come up with something that would take his mind off the promotion for one more night. “Are you up for some company?”

“Depends on the company.”

“I was thinking of it being me.” She leaned back into Mabel’s warm leather embrace. “Maybe my tool belt too.” She saw him smile in the feeble light. “Maybe a little nakedness thrown into the mix.”

“I don’t know. I was thinking of it being Chester with a can of beer, but no tool belt. And definitely no nakedness.”

Claire burst out laughing.

 

“Hold it!” I knocked on the driver’s side window, waiting until Mac rolled it down to say, “That’s not your next line and you know it.”

“What do you know?” Chester hollered from the shadow-filled end of the porch. “You’re just the writer.”

Reaching inside the car, I turned on the headlights. Chester, and Manny, who was parked in the chair next to him, shielded their eyes from the light. “Shut it, mouth!” I told the old buzzard and then turned back to Mac. “Now back to you. You want Chester in here with you, do ya?”

Mac grinned. “Maybe. Claire and I are old news according to Jess, and the women love Chester and his knobby knees.”

“Chester,” Claire called out her open window. “What do you think? You want to grab a six pack and crawl in between Mac and me? Apparently, he’s missed you way more than he’s mentioned on the phone.”

Chester shook his head. “I’ve seen Mac bare-chested.” He took a swig of beer. “I like my breasts with less hair on ‘em.” He pointed his thumb at Manny. “But Carrera here would probably be game for some backseat bingo with good ol’ Sweet Buns.”

Manny puffed on his cigar. Throw a sombrero on him and a bandolier of bullets slung across his shoulder and he could star in a spaghetti western. “I’m in, hombre,” he said, squinting in our direction, “but only if the tool belt is back in play.”

“Manny, you’re hopeless.” I killed the headlights.

“Hopelessly in love with you, mi amor.”

“Save it for Deborah, Romeo.” I looked back in at Claire and Mac. “Okay, you two, let’s try this again from the ‘Depends on the company.’” …

 

“Depends on the company.”

“I was thinking of it being me.” She leaned back into Mabel’s warm leather embrace. “Maybe my tool belt too.” She saw him smile in the feeble light. “Maybe a little nakedness thrown into the mix.”

“I like your tool belt. I like it a lot. And nakedness is always good when we’re talking about you and me alone.” He shifted slowly, his breath catching in pain as he turned his body toward her and rested back against the driver’s side door. “Will this be a one-woman show? Or do I get to be part of the act?”

“We vote for a two woman show,” Manny called from the porch.

“Make it three!” Chester piped up, snickering in the shadows. “I saw a porno years back with these blond triplets that nearly made my ticker pop.”

Manny snorted. “Better your ticker than your pecker. They make spare parts for bad hearts.”

“I thought I read something on the internet about some company that can now make artificial peck—”

 

“STOP! Just stop.” I threw the rest of the MoonPie I was eating in the direction of the old buzzards. “You two promised that if I let you hang out for the first part of this scene, you’d sit there quietly smoking and keep your yappers shut.”

“We’re just spicing it up.”

“Trust me,” I said, “Mac and Claire don’t need any help on spicing it up.”

“Why do you two want to see this, anyway?” Claire asked. “You always bitch when I kiss Mac in front of you.”

“We’re taking notes,” Chester answered.

I grimaced. “Manny, you’re sleeping with her mother.”

“I’m not taking notes, mi amor. I’m making sure Mac doesn’t take advantage of my step-daughter.” The sound of a shotgun being cocked came from the shadows.

Even the crickets paused to gulp.

“Did he just cock a shotgun?” Mac asked out the window.

“He’s just trying to mess with you,” I heard Claire say.

“He’s doing a fine job of it.” Mac looked out at me. “You need to do something about that.”

“Like what? I’m having trouble even keeping them out of the scene.”

“Like make sure there are no shells in it.”

“Manny,” I called, “you do remember they’ve had sex already, right? Several times even.”

“Sí, but that was different. Claire is mi familia now. Mac needs to know that I’ve got my eye on him.”

“And two shotgun barrels,” Chester added.

“Christ,” Mac muttered. “Claire, how many times have I asked you to marry me?”

“Let’s not go there,” I told him, not wanting to get Claire all out of sorts when we had an important scene to get through. “Chester and Manny, either zip it or you’re out of here. We have a scene to write.”

“Spoilsport,” Chester grumbled.

“Don’t be getting too fresh, Sweet Buns,” Manny warned, “or I’ll fill your ass with—”

“Manuel!” I took the porch steps two at a time. “Give me that damned shotgun.” I held out my hand. Manny resisted. “Don’t make me dress you in pink satin,” I threatened.

With a grunt, he gave me the shotgun. “Fine, but if they end up in bed, you’d better have him ask her to marry him again.”

“Sure, I’ll do that,” I lied, returning my attention to Mabel’s front seat. “Okay, you two. Let’s start again with ‘Will this be a one woman show?’”

 

“Will this be a one-woman show? Or do I get to be part of the act?”

“What about that?” She pointed at his sling. “I don’t want to hurt you.” She’d already done enough with her curiosity up in that mine.

“I’m bruised, Slugger. Not broken.”

“Yeah?” She rested her palm on his thigh. “So you’re not going to make me resort to cheesy pickup lines to get you to surrender to my whims?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I should make you work for it a little.” He caught her hand.

Because of his bruised body, she planned on doing almost all of the work tonight, but verbal foreplay was always fun. “Okay, let’s see what I can do after a couple of beers.” She thought for a second and threw out one she’d heard several times over the years. “You know what would look good on you? Me.”

“Lame. You’re obviously a novice.”

“Really, Mr. Expert? What do you have in your arsenal?”

“Hold onto your heart, Slugger, and get ready to be wooed.” He flipped her hand over and tickled her palm with his thumb. “Hey, beautiful, how about you and I go in a dark room and see what develops?”

Claire giggled and threw back, “I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.”

“Nice one. Beat this.” He pulled her toward him, his mouth hovering over hers. “Your lips look lonely. Would they like to meet mine?”

“Definitely.” She kissed him, taking her time reacquainting herself with his mouth. When she pulled back, she inhaled the warm spicy desert scent of his cologne, everything inside her quivering with an eagerness for more. “Is your car battery dead, Mister, because I’d like to jump you?”

That made him chuckle and reach for the door handle. “I hope you know CPR, Slugger, because you’ve stopped my heart.”

Claire joined him at the base of the General Store’s porch steps. “If you were a burger at McDonalds, you’d be McGorgeous.”

His laughter rippled out over the dark desert landscape. “That was bad. This one is worse: Did you have Lucky Charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious.”

“Hey!” Manny interrupted, “that’s my line. He stole that from me.”

“You don’t own it,” Chester said. “Besides, I’m the one who used it first on that hot little filly we met at the Tri-State rodeo championships years ago. Remember? She bet me that I couldn’t last more than eight seconds in her saddle, and I’ll be damned if she wasn’t right.”

“How long did you make it?”

“Three. That girl knew how to—”

 

“That’s it!” I stomped over and grabbed both of their cigars, stubbing them out on the porch railing. When they started to complain, I took them both by the arms and hauled their butts up and out of their chairs. “You two are banned from this scene and the next.”

“Ah, come on. We were just having fun reminiscing.”

“It’s not my fault Mac stole my line.”

“I’ll make sure I give you both credit when he delivers that line.” I led them down the porch steps and nudged them in the direction of their campers. “Now git!”

Chester and Manny grumbled off into the darkness.

“When you write my next love scene,” Chester hollered back at me, “I want two redheads, one brunette, and a big bottle of baby oil.”

“Dream on, buster!”

“I better read about a marriage proposal when this is all over,” Manny added from the shadows.

I ignored them. “Okay, let’s get back to business. You two ready?”

Mac smiled over at Claire. “Is this the scene where she gets naked?”

“Mostly.”

He clapped his hands together. “I’m ready then.”

“Hold on a sec.” Claire grabbed my elbow and led me to the other end of the porch. “Mac’s not going to ask me to marry him, is he?” she whispered.

“Not yet.”

“Good, because I’m nuts about him, but I’m not quite ready for that yet.”

“Trust me, we ALL know that.” I led the way back to where good old Sweet Buns waited for us. “Okay, Mac, you start again with ‘Did you have Lucky Charms for breakfast?’”

 

Did you have Lucky Charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious.”

“Oh, God. Where did you hear that one?” She unlocked the door and led him inside. The single fluorescent nightlight Jess had left on for them bathed them in a harsh flickering light.

“Your stepfather and Chester were throwing their favorite lines back and forth one night during Euchre.”

She grimaced, locked up behind them, and then spun him around so he was pinned against the door. “My lips are like Skittles. Want to taste the rainbow?”

He bent down and did just that, taking his time turning her inside out …

 

Chapter Eighteen

Tuesday, November 13th

LOCATION: Yuccaville side street

The wind was blowing through Yuccaville’s streets this morning, dust billowing in the air like snow, making Kate hesitant to follow through with her plan.

“Maybe we should come back tomorrow,” she told Claire, who’d agreed to come along and play lookout for her.

“No, we have to do it today.” Claire parked Ruby’s old Ford opposite the Tucson Electric Power building and shut off the engine. “His truck is the one on the left.”

“How can you tell?”

“When we were following Dory yesterday, I noticed the ‘I brake for pole dancers’ bumper sticker was crooked.”

 

“Claire,” I warned from the back seat, looking up from my computer screen.

She met my gaze in the rearview mirror, her eyebrows raised in fake innocence. “What?”

“That’s not right and you know it.”

“It’s probably true, though, knowing Dory.”

Undoubtedly. “Try that line again.”

 

“How can you tell?” Kate asked.

“When we were following Dory yesterday, I noticed the ‘My other ride is your wife’ bumper sticker was crooked.”

 

“Ha! That was a good one, but not quite.” I took a drink of my Corona. “One more time, smartass.”

“If the Sheriff sees you with that beer, he’s going to bust us for breaking the open container law, and this time you’re going to jail with Kate, not me.”

“Why am I going to jail?” Kate asked. “I’m just an innocent passenger.”

“Because I’ll tell him about you locking up Deputy Dipshit in exchange for my freedom.” She dodged Kate’s backhand, laughing.

“First of all,” I told them both, “we’re parked, not driving, so I can drink this. Second,” I held up my index finger and gulped down the rest of the beer, burping into my shirt collar when I finished. “The bottle is empty.” I set the bottle on the floor. “Now, Claire, let’s try this again.”

 

“How can you tell?” Kate asked.

“When we were following Dory yesterday, I noticed the ‘I lost three days on a whiskey diet’ bumper sticker was crooked.”

 

“Claire Alice Morgan,” I warned. “Do you want me to call your mother and tell her you need her advice about your sex life?”

“Yikes.” Kate turned to Claire. “She wouldn’t do that, would she?”

“She would. You know how twisted Ann is when it comes to Mom and Manny’s sex-capades.”

“I definitely would, just to watch Claire squirm. Maybe I’ll mention something about Kate and Butch while I’m at it. You three could have a group therapy session. Wouldn’t that make a funny scene?” I was chuckling just imagining it.

“Ann, your evilness knows no bounds.”

“Damned tootin’” I held my fingers over the keyboard. “Now, are we doing this or what? The wind and dust are getting worse out there the longer we wait.”

Kate poked Claire in the shoulder. “Quit screwing around, bozo, and let’s get this done before I end up choking to death on the dust trying to get that damned phone back in Dory’s rig.”

“Fine, you big wiener.”

 

“How can you tell?” Kate asked.

“When we were following Dory yesterday, I noticed the ‘How’s my driving?’ bumper sticker was crooked.”

A blast of wind howled past, kicking a tumbleweed up the street like a soccer ball.

“It’s too dusty out today,” Kate said.

“It’s perfect. Anyone driving by will be too distracted by the wind and shit in the air to be looking around. Plus, it’ll drown out any sounds you might make.”

“What sounds do you think I’m going to make?”

“I don’t know. You have a way of getting caught lately.”

“I managed to sneak into the Sheriff’s office and lock up Deputy Dipshit without getting caught.”

“That’s true,” Claire said. “I’m just saying this weather gives us a good diversion. Nobody is going to want to go out in it if they see you sneaking around Dory’s truck.”

“Nobody is going to see me.” Kate zipped up the black windbreaker she’d borrowed from Ruby’s closet, flipping the hood up over her head. “But for the record, you’ll never be the man your mother is.”

Claire frowned, “I’ll never be the … Cut!”

 

“You can’t say ‘Cut’ unless you’re Ann.”

“I can say ‘Cut’ if I want to.”

“Ann,” Kate said, turning around in the seat. “Tell Claire she’s not the writer of me.”

“Claire, you’re not the writer of Kate.”

“Fine.” Claire looked back at me, too. “But tell Kate that she needs to at least make sense if she’s going to adlib.”

“If you two keep this up, I’m going to need another beer, and my eyeballs are already floating.” I frowned through the windshield. “Crap, here comes a Sheriff’s truck.”

They both slid down in their seats, out of sight in a heartbeat.

I laughed. “Just kidding. Now let’s finish this bit.”

Claire flipped me off, and Kate stuck her tongue out at me, then returned to the scene.

 

“Nobody is going to see me.” Kate zipped up the black windbreaker she’d borrowed from Ruby’s closet, flipping the hood up over her head. “But for the record I think my idea was better.”

She’d wanted to drop the phone in an envelope and mail it with an anonymous note saying she’d found it at Dirty Gerties.

“I disagree. We don’t want Dory asking around about it at Dirty Gerties.”

“Why not? Nobody will know anything about his phone disappearing. There’s no way to trace it back to anyone there either, so he’ll drop the subject and go on with his life.”

“Kate, I don’t want to put anyone else in danger.”

“What danger? It’s a cellphone, Claire, not those diamonds you and Ronnie took.”

Claire started to say something else but then stopped, swallowing it. “Listen, this is better, trust me,” she said with finality. “Dory will think he misplaced his phone and that’s all. Now go.”

“Easy for you to say,” Kate grumbled, tucking her hair into her hood and tying the strings tight under her chin. “You’re not the one about to inhale a shovelful of dust.”

“Quit speaking in whine-ese and get out.”

Kate slid on a pair of Ruby’s cotton gardening gloves she’d borrowed along with the coat and shoved open her door. The wind promptly slammed it shut. “You see that?” she said to Claire. “It’s a sign not to do this.”

“It’s a sign that you’re being a wuss.”

“You do remember that I’m your pregnant sister, right? Do you really think this is a good idea in my delicate condition?”

Claire pointed out the window toward the two work trucks. “Now, Kathryn Lynette!”

“You have no respect for a pregnant woman.”

“I’m teaching your unborn child morals. Now go return that damned phone.”

“You teaching morals? Oh, that’s rich.” She wrinkled her nose at Claire and then pushed her door open, keeping her back to the wind.  …